On The Rocks With Salt

Would you like some fudge with that?

2008-07-03T13:16:00.000-07:00

Back from North Carolina, God's sauna and fudgery. Here's what I have to say, initially: damn, it's hot there. And they eat a lot of fudge. There was a fudge shop in every damn shopping center we saw. JFJ's bag and the surfboards are still in the Atlanta airport because apparently 2 1/2 hours isn't enough time for Delta to transfer them between planes.

Scrumpy made sure to call me this morning and demand that I meet her for lunch and was offended that I was going to work and asked me in a vaguely threatening voice when we were going to get together. Did she ask how my vacation was? Ah, no? Did she think about the fact that we have a mountain of laundry and no groceries so maybe it wasn't optimal socializing time for me? Ah, no.

I will be spending all foreseeable holidays in Colorado with JFJ's family. Because I like them, and they seem to like me, which is more than I can say about the relatives I have in this country.

More about the vacation soon, I just had to get the Scrumpy rant off my chest.

Scammers: Beware of Otters!

2008-06-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

In a former life, before me met me and discovered the joys of living la vida Redhead, JFJ got a Rolex as a gift from his former boss. It's spent most of its life in its original box, only to be brought out for the occassional wedding or job interview. JFJ is not really a Rolex guy and decided he would post ad ad for the watch on craigslist to see if he got any takers. He did, and collected a tidy sum from a local man who is a watch collector. He also got a number of responses that were clearly people trying to scam him. The most blatant example was this one:

David Mika wrote:

Hello thanks for your reply,
I will be needing this item for my inlaw
for his wedding in the ending of June,therefore i
will be needing it as soon as possible.he is located
in NC and I am ok with the item and will like to
make an immediate payment,I will instruct my
financial instituton in the United States to send
you a check as soon as you receive your funds.you
will deduct your $2000 and also deduct $100 to
shipped the item to my son.If you are okay with this
let me know so that I will contacted my financial
institution and they will send you a check of $4,000
and you remove the sum of $2,100.and send the rest
funds to the other client because the payment is my
retainer fee and i will instruct them to send the
check on your name so as to cash it and deduct your
funds and send the rest funds to client and shipped
the item also,and i would want you to send me your
Full Name, Contact Address and your Mobile Phone
Number so my financial institution can send the
check to you. Thanking you for your maximum
cooperaton. Would await your urgent correspondence.
Sincerely

JFJ's enormous reserves of patience were taxed by wading through all the drama, and he vented his frustrations on the poor scammer:

To: David Mika

wow, that's perfect! I'm going to be in NC for the next 2 weeks! This is going to be sooo easy now! What are the chances it could work out this well??
Why don't you give me the address of the wedding and the bride's full name and I will personally deliver the watch? Why burden your "financial institution" with this transaction when we can meet and party at the wedding? I love weddings! I'm so excited now, thank you for thinking of me. There's just one small issue, however. You see, my best friend loves a good wedding too but he is extremely ill right now. He is absolutely heartbroken that he may not live to see your son get married. I'm worried that he won't survive the trip, and I fear that I will be returning with his body in a box. Recently however, I discovered that there is a new experimental drug for people with a condition such as his. Rumor has it that this miracle cure would help people like him function almost normally in a public setting. Though some side effects can include diarrhea and vomiting, barking like a dog, and longer erections - I think you would agree that this is a small price to pay for having a semi-normal life.
So this is what I've wanted to tell you for so long. And now that I've got that off my chest and breathed a sigh of relief; I need to ask you for your help. Help me. Help my friend. Help us. Together, let's make his life brighter. Let's usher in a new beginning for him, and give him the gift of this beautiful world and give him back his right to exist in it.
Do the right thing, David. Do the only thing, David. Do what's in your heart.
Do reply with a Mastercard or Visa number for the amount of $4100 and include your full name as it appears on card. Don't forget the expiration date and the 3 digit code on the back.
Thank you, David. You are an amazing person. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

I love you.

Vacation, all I've ever wanted! Vacation, had to get away!

2008-06-19T10:52:00.000-07:00

Work has finally calmed down to the point where I don't shun a computer in my downtime. JFJ and I leave for the Outer Banks next Thursday and although the trip has become a little more crowded than I originally anticipated, I'm really looking forward to it. I've never been to North Carolina, so it will be fun to see a new part of the country, and to meet JFJ's sister, her partner and his nephew, none of whom I've ever met before. We are also planning long bike rides and runs to keep us from getting too much "vacation gut." The last couple months has been the busiest and most emotionally challenging time since I've had this job, and I desperately need to relax.

Not like you wanted to do much work today anyway.

2008-03-27T09:04:00.000-07:00

Lyrics of great rock and rolls songs... but all the words are in alphabetical order. Can you identify the song? It's good, clean fun right here.

Theo Jansen's kinetic sculptures

2008-03-21T16:34:00.000-07:00

For your vacation planning purposes

2008-03-21T16:05:00.000-07:00

You can hug pandas in China.

Been busy at work this week!

2008-03-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

That orange jumpsuit does nothing for your skin tone.

2008-03-18T14:49:00.000-07:00

One of my fave shows, What Not To Wear aka WNTW is casting in the SF Bay Area.

One of the categories that they are looking for is women who need a makeover because they “just got out of prison.” If anyone sees a WNTW episode where Stacy and Clinton try to put kitten heels and a fitted jacket onto someone who’s just been sprung from the pen, please let me know when it’s on. This is something not to be missed.

What's a fibula?

2008-03-18T11:13:00.000-07:00

Otter flipper

2008-03-18T11:04:00.000-07:00

Well, the Otter done gone and broked his leg. He was snowboarding at Dodge Ridge a couple weeks ago and took a spill.* He was landing a jump and the front of his snowboard wedged into a drift and stayed put as he fell forward. Ankle sprained, fibula broked. He hobbled around on it until Monday morning when he went to see the doctor. I am going to see if I can scan the x-rays because when you look at them you wonder HOW he managed to walk around. That bone is just snapped.

Good news: no cast, no surgery, no time off work

Bad news: crutches and a leg brace for six to eight weeks.

He's being a super trooper about the whole thing, but it's really hard for him not to be working out. Any suggestions for good movies or board games would be very welcome!

*It was his second big spill of the day, although he thinks I don't know about the first one. Advice for Otters: The Redhead ALWAYS knows.

There's so much to say about this, I don't even know where to begin.

2008-03-04T13:46:00.000-08:00

As you know if you've ever used Match.com, you can express your interest in someone by sending a "wink" to their profile. My friend got a "wink" from this guy and sent one back. Here is what she got in response:

Hey,

Thanks for winking back. I read your profile again. You seem like a good person.

Some initial questions, I always ask, just to keep the worst ones away. Feel free to answer the questions you wish, and however you wish. This is the San Francisco Bay Area. I'm sure you understand.

(1) How many have you had sex with? How many guys have you broken up with, after having sex?

(2) Have you done drugs or had alcohol-related problems?

(3) Have you ever broken the law, or been involved in a legal dispute?

(4) Have you ever had financial problems? Including credit card dept?

(5) How is your family situation? Are your parents married or divorced?

(6) Any other issues with credability and character?

Best,
[NAME REDACTED, ALTHOUGH I REALLY WANTED TO INCLUDE HIS NAME, EMAIL AND PHOTO]

News from CLA, while home with sick children, ages 2 and five:

2008-03-04T10:42:00.000-08:00

Having a fever apparently does not:

1) Affect one's desire or ability to throttle one's sibling repeatedly

or

2)Diminish one's capacity to pee on the carpet...proudly declaring, "I poo poo!"

Stuff White People Like

2008-03-03T16:55:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Brie for bringing
this site to my attention. It's the funniest thing ever, and if you don't agree then fuck you and the Prius you rode in on.

Oprah, can I have $20k?

2008-02-27T12:10:00.001-08:00

I hate to laugh at the misfortunes of others, but sometimes the misfortunes of others are really funny.

Some days...

2008-02-27T10:28:00.000-08:00

JFJ and I hit the wine pretty hard last night and it was tough when the alarm went off at 5:30am. Today was a brick day: one hour of spin spin then treadmill and I felt every minute of it. So when JFJ sent me the quote below this morning, I knew we were on the same wavelength:

"I think there's only one sensible place for a person to be at 5:30 in the morning. That's in bed. And what am I doing? I'm out running. And I completely hate this."

Derek Clayton, Australian marathoner, first to break 2:09

2008-02-14T09:50:00.000-08:00

2008-02-14T09:04:00.001-08:00

“Valentine”
By Frank Bidart

How those now dead used the word love bewildered
and disgusted the boy who resolved he

would not reassure the world he felt
love until he understood love

Resolve that too soon crumbled when he found
within his chest

something intolerable for which the word
because no other word was right

must be love
must be love

Love craved and despised and necessary
the Great American Songbook said explained our fate

my bereft grandmother bereft
father bereft mother their wild regret

How those now dead used love to explain
wild regret

And the Bob Dole Grumpy Old Man Award goes to: Fred Thompson!

2008-01-16T17:00:00.000-08:00

Fred Thompson “Leader of the Pack”

Thompson has selected a song about “Betty” and “Jimmy” who meet at the candy store and have a brief romance. Betty’s dad tells her she can’t see Jimmy anymore, and after she breaks up with him, tearful Jimmy speeds off into the night and dies in an accident, with the not-so-subtle implication that he killed himself rather than live without Betty’s love. Ahem. What in the WORLD does this have to do with anything? At least most of the campaign songs have a positive message about the country or a theme about change. Fred’s song is about… Fred. And how he is the, uh, leader of the pack…?

Let’s not forget how the song ends:

“The leader of the pack - now he's gone
The leader of the pack - now he's gone
The leader of the pack - now he's gone
The leader of the pack - now he's gone.”

Not exactly a positive message, is it? If only Fred was gone from the campaign.

Also, I think it’s interesting that he chose a song that was released a full two years before his wife was even born. Fred married Jeri (with an “i”!) in 2002 when she was 35 and he was 59. When asked by the Associated Press in 2007 what his favorite possession was, he said ”trophy wife.” An unfair message for Fred to send when he defends her qualifications as a potential first lady from the other side of his mouth.

2008-01-16T16:26:00.000-08:00

Wikipedia says that Obama’s campaign song is “Better Way” by Ben Harper and not “Move On Up.” Hmmm... must go back and check my ”sources”.

desilusionado

2008-01-15T11:23:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a really vivid dream that I had enrolled in a one-month study abroad program in Spain. Sounds great, except it was accompanied by the panicked realization that I was leaving the next day and had done nothing to prepare. I didn’t have a flight booked, I hadn’t arranged to get the time off work, I hadn't packed, I hadn’t even told my boyfriend. In the dream I was trying to be as calm as possible and just methodically figure out how I was going to get organized and get to Spain in the next 24 hours. My friend Oodles told me she had family in Spain, and I could stay with them for a few days until I found a place to live. This was the only part of the dream that was actually realistic, because Oodles does have family all over the world and often offers them up as a kind of family bed and breakfast. But since it was an anxiety dream, nothing else was going right. I found a flight, but couldn't find the airport on a map. There was this mysterious person who was supposed to be helping me but kept pointing to the map and insisting that Spain was where Germany is. Just as I was beginning to doubt my own sanity. I woke up and felt immediate relief that I didn’t have this complicated mess to figure out. Then I was immediately bummed, because I had to go to work, and not Spain.

"And now I'm proud to present the next President of the United States..."

2008-01-14T15:00:00.000-08:00

I’ll leave the meaningful analysis of the issues to the educated pundits and tackle something a little more in the spirit of this blog: campaign songs. I'll tell you what I would have picked as the campaign song. Also, there will be complaining about Canadians. I'd love to hear your ideas on campaign songs, too, so bring it on in the comments. Today, we do the Democrats.

Hillary Clinton: “Blue Sky” by Big Head Todd and The Monsters

Clinton’s theme song used to be “You and I” by Celine Dion but it was replaced after Hillary’s campaign belatedly realized the song was written as the theme for Air Canada. Far more troubling to me is the fact that Celine Dion is a French-speaking Canadian, and as everyone knows, they hate two things: Freedom and America. So it’s good that the theme song has been replaced. It doesn’t really matter what she replaced it with, so long as it’s not the theme of a foreign airline or written by a freedom-hating Canadian.

My suggestion:
Clinton campaign events often play “Suddenly I See” by KT Tunstall which I think would have been a great theme song for Hillary’s campaign except it has the word “hell” in it and that’s probably still considered profanity in some parts of the fucking country.

Barak Obama: “Move On Up” by Curtis Mayfield

When I first looked up Obama's campaign song I thought for one horrible moment that Obama had chosen “Movin’ On Up” the theme from the tv show "The Jeffersons". I kid you not. I had a full minute of trying to imagine Senator Obama walking onto the stage, waving to the crowd, with "The Jeffersons" theme song playing in the background. It was like Ron Paul’s wet dream. Then I saw the name of the artist and realized I was thinking of something totally different. Still, it scares me that when I see the title of the song the first thing I think of is The Jeffersons. Apart from the fact that people of my generation may have that momentary incorrect association (and there’s really only about a dozen people in my generation voting anyway) this actually seems like a good choice. It has a positive message and there's an association with the civil rights movement. There's always the danger that people will associate a song from that era with smelly hippies having sit-ins. And it doesn't have enough of a rock n roll to it that makes you want to jump up to your feet when he walks on stage like when Clinton the First used "Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac. Now there's a song the Teamsters can dance to.

My suggestion:
Obama would probably get flack if he didn’t choose an African-American artist. Ok, fine, but since Obama is the youngest candidate* my choice would be something more modern. For example, Kanye West’s “I Wonder” which contains the line, “Do you even remember what the issue is?” This seems appropriate given Obama’s long, imprecise answers. When he’s done answering a question and you feel like, wow, that was so inspirational… and yet I have no idea what he just said.

John Edwards
“This Is Our Country” by John “formerly the Cougar” Mellencamp.

This is actually a pretty good choice. It’s upbeat, the lyrics are positive and it hasn’t been used as a theme by a Canadian airline.

My Suggestion: “When It’s Over” Sugar Ray
It’s endearing that Edwards is still out there running for President (as far as I can tell that’s all he’s been doing since the last election) but at this point his chances of getting ahead of Hil-Barak are minimal. Which is fine with me, because even though I like his politics he’s a trial lawyer and I trust those guys about as far as I can throw them in their money-lined suits.

Edwards has been paying Obama a lot of compliments lately, which makes me wonder if he’s hoping to be tapped as a running mate. Maybe he can get one of the moderators to pass Obama a note at the next debate - I guess the kids don’t really do that anymore, a text message is probably more appropriate (“U R cool. Want 2 B running m8s?”).

Tomorrow: Republican theme songs!

*total conjecture. He looks like the youngest, he’s certainly the least experienced, but I just can’t be bothered to double-check.

Disgruntled?

2008-01-11T13:12:00.000-08:00

This morning I took my car in for an oil change. Fascinating, I agree. I went over to have a cup of coffee and read the paper at the Java Junction while the car was being worked on. There is a plethora of reading materials, the local paper, separate stacks of the two weeklies, a pile of schedules from the local community college, the real estate rags… you know the drill. As I sit there enjoying my java a guy rushes through the door and over to the stacks of papers lines against the window. He scoops up the entire stack of the community college schedules and, muttering the name of the college under his breath, rushes outside. I strained to look where he had gone but didn’t want to attract any attention should he decide to run back in for the Pennysaver.

Rahabilitation???

2008-01-11T11:36:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the 24-hour spelling error in the post below, I've been trying to fix it but have been encountering issues with Blogger. It made me queasy every time I looked at it. Also, I love Brie's comment about scare tactics with kids. My guess is that they were telling them that so they wouldn't try to pester otters in the wild. But do many people get that close to otters in the wild?

Finally, none of my bones were broken on the snow trip. I just found a photo of an x-ray and thought it would be funny. Ha. Ha.

Insanely cute otter video that will make your brain actually hurt

2008-01-09T17:10:00.000-08:00

Video of orphaned sea otter pup's rehabilitation. HOW DO I GET A JOB SNUGGLING BABY OTTERS???

More info about sweet little snuggly baby otter:

Abby, a California sea otter pup, is cared for by Mark Bressler, senior animal care specialist at SeaWorld San Diego. The Santa Barbara Marine Mammal Center found the otter stranded and near comatose on Jalama Beach, north of Santa Barbara, Calif., on July 21 and brought it to SeaWorld for rehabilitation. The female pup, which was estimated to be less than a week old when rescued, is being bottle-fed around the clock at SeaWorld and weighs approximately four pounds.
When the young otter was rescued, she was dehydrated, hypoglycemic, having difficulty maintaining her body temperature and weighed about three pounds (sea otter pups weigh between three and five pounds at birth). At first, the otter was too weak to nurse and had to be tube-fed. Animal care specialists eventually were able to get her to drink from a bottle. The otter pup is showing signs of progress, including nursing from a bottle regularly, and maintaining a normal body temperature of 99 to 100 degrees F.
The California sea otter is listed as a threatened species by U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service. Threats include oil spills, entanglement in fishing nets and disease. The three California sea otters now on display at SeaWorld's Rocky Point Preserve were originally stranded and rescued as part of the Monterey Bay Aquarium's Sea Otter Research and Conservation (SORAC) Program.
Since 1965, SeaWorld San Diego has rescued thousands of animals and has treated as many as 475 marine mammals in one year. SeaWorld has raised three other orphaned otters in the last 15 years, in cooperation with Monterey Bay Aquarium.

Next time I say I'm not a natural snowboarder, maybe you'll listen.

2008-01-08T14:04:00.000-08:00

Well, after a two month absence from the blogosphere I thought it was time to explain my absence. In my last post, I explained that JFJ and I were off to the snow and I was a little nervous about trying snowboarding for the first time. And now you see why.

Gobble gobble

2007-11-23T22:13:00.000-08:00

Hope you had a great Turkey Day! Most of my readers were just hoping to survive Thursday without causing grevious bodily injury to one of their relatives. JFJ and I are up at South Lake Tahoe, hoping and waiting for snow. That's right, HOPING for snow. As you know, I am about the farthest thing there is from a "snow bunny." But Heavenly has a limited opening tomorrow and I'm hoping to get a snowboard lesson in. My prediction? I'll be in the hospital in traction by noon. So cross your fingers (and whatever else) that everything goes smoothly!

P.S. If things do go badly tomorrow, I just want to get it out there that I wanted to go to Cabo San Lucas for Thanksgiving.

A cause they can get behind!

2007-11-19T14:36:00.001-08:00

A woman I helped sponsor on the Avon Breast Cancer Walk in San Diego sent this photo around. The San Jose bike cops came down and helped out with the walk. I like that he has made his own boobs.

Another mystery explained

2007-11-09T17:47:00.001-08:00

I got home early for work and went for a run. I come back just as JFJ is getting ready to head out for his evening run.

JFJ: "Hi, baby. Did you have a good run?"

Me: "Yes. But explain this to me about men. I got the 'Woo-hoo!' from three different cars of guys. Do they really think that's a compliment?"

JFJ (knowing when he is trapped): "Uhhh..."

"What, do they think I'm going to be so excited to get cat-called that I'm going to stop running, and offer to get in the car and blow them all?"

"Hmm... I see your point..."

"Yes."

"But there's something you have to understand about my gender."

"Ok, explain."

"See, we'll play any odds. Even if we know the chances are one in a million, we'll go for it."

"So, guys yell out of cars on the off chance that one day they'll yell the right thing to that one crazy chick who's going to say 'Alright!' and jump in the car and give blow jobs all around?"

"Pretty much."

"Good to know."

Examining and abusing the human body.

2007-11-08T16:56:00.000-08:00

Last weekend JFJ and I did two things that could be fun or could be crazy, depending on your perspective.

On Saturday, we went to the Body Worlds 2 exhibit at the San Jose Tech Museum. This special exhibit is the display of real human bodies (you know, dead bodies) that have been preserved using a process called plastination. The soluble fat and bodily fluids that cause the body to decompose are extracted and then some kind of vacuum plastic injection thing happens and - voila! Real/plastic body. In order to better illustrate how the human body operates, the bodies are posed into "active" poses, such as hitting a baseball with a bat, ice skating and even balancing on one arm with a skateboard prop.

Apparently the exhibit is controversial because some people think it is disrespectful to show the dead body in this manner. JFJ admitted he was a little weirded out by the fact that he was looked at the skinless, preserved body of an actual person. But I could never really personalize it. I made a conscious effort to try to engage on that level, by looking at a body and thinking, "This was a real person. They had hopes and dreams and a whole life and then they died and their body cells were filled with plastic resin and here they are." But I just never felt like they were anything more than a scientific tool, with no more emotional resonance than a plastic skeleton. Hopefully this doesn't make me a psychopath. But if it doesn, at least I'm already in the right profession.

This is an amazing way for everyone, but especially kids, to learn about the human body. For a (non-squeamish) school-age kid who was learning about anatomy or who had expressed an interest in a career in medicine, this would be such an enriching experience. Even for the Average Joe, the exhibit helps promote healthy lifestyles by showing what happens to the body when it gets abused.

I would challenge any smoker to go through the exhibit and not resolve to quit immediately. The example of the regular lungs and the smoker's lungs is like a Scared Straight for cigarettes. Yikes. Same thing with the cirrhotic livers and the aortas that had built up calcification. Actually seeing what unhealthy habits can do to the body really makes you realize how important it is to take care of yourself. When you don't see that buildup on the inside of your aorta, I'm sure it just seems like the doctor is just lecturing you about cholesterol, yadda, yadda, yadda. But seeing it right there in front of you... let's just say I haven't had red meat since Saturday.

You can find out more about Body Worlds at the official site.

On Sunday, we did the Silicon Valley Marathon and Half Marathon event. He did the full, I did the half. JFJ blew his previous time out of the water by almost a half-hour, coming in at just over 3 1/2 hours! I didn't expect him to finish so quickly, so I was still re-parking the car after my half-marathon when he crossed the finish line. Poor Otter, though, all that pushing the redline, he ran out of steam at mile 25 and had to be helped for the last mile by a guy who he called the "race angel." As soon as he finished he had to have three cups of electrolyte replacement drink poured down his throat by the folks from the medical tent. See what I mean about some people might think that's crazy?

It's not just pants, it's shorts and skirts, too.

2007-11-07T09:20:00.000-08:00

I am doing my favorite dance, the I-Still-Don't-Have-Any-Pants-On-And-I-Have-To-Leave-For-Work-In-Five-Minutes Dance.

JFJ: You really don't like to wear pants, do you?

I shake both head and booty enthusiastically, no.

Me: I wonder what will happen when I start to go senile and walk around the neighborhood with no pants on.

JFJ: When you go senile? How will they know?

Me: Probably no one will be able to tell.

JFJ: It will be a smooth transition.

When parents age: a true phone conversation.

2007-10-31T16:41:00.000-07:00

"Hi, mom, did you feel the earthquake?"

"No, no I don't have time right now. It will have to wait until the weekend."

"Uh...what?"

"I have too much to do. It's been a very busy week."

"Did you hear what I said?"

"What?"

"What did you think I asked you?"

"I thought you asked if I'd set up the new phone."

"I asked if you'd felt the earthquake."

"There was an earthquake!?"

Boo!

2007-10-30T11:09:00.000-07:00

Too busy to be original, but there are some links to some great Halloween stories on Defective Yeti's site here.

Kind of blue.

2007-10-26T09:56:00.000-07:00

The weather is cloudy and overcast, even though it is supposed to be sunny today. And over a quarter-million people have been evacuated in San Diego as the wildfires burn hundreds of thousands of acres. The Union-Tribune has a fire map of the wildfire area and it just doesn't seem possible that such huge areas have been burned. You hear the numbers on the news but it just doesn't have the same impact as when you see the huge areas affected.

Now there are reports that at least some of the fires were started by an arsonist. It's hard to imagine that level of evil, it's something I just don't understand. That's kind of an insipid statement, I admit. What kind of evil do I understand? I don't get child molesters or murderers any more than I get arsonists, but there is something so deliberate and calculated about setting a fire that just gives it a special kind of evil. Is it because it affected so many people? Does an arsonist want to see that, want to see the people crying as their homes burn down?

Six hours and 25 minutes until margarita time.

I run like a girl.

2007-10-23T11:21:00.000-07:00

Sunday was the Nike Women’s Marathon , and JNC and Hoov and I did the half. Unfortunately, I stopped for a brief visit to the portas at mile 3, whereupon my phone died an untimely death (contrary to the popular belief, it did not fall in, it just doesn't work any more). As a result, I was unable to find my companions again and ended up running the next 10 miles alone. That's not bad considering I've run 26.2 miles alone, but it was kind of a bummer because I was expecting to run with them and was really looking forward to experiencing it together. Fortunately, we had pre-arranged a meeting spot at the end so we were eventually reunited.

If you are interested in doing a marathon or half-marathon, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend this event! However, the vast (VAST) majority of entries are reserved for TNT. So if you want to run it as an individual, you must, must, must register on the first day because it will sell out. If you are thinking of doing your first distance race and you really want to do this race, you might want to consider joining your local TNT team. My running buddies know I have my issues with their training program (that I won't go into here) but it is a great cause and I know many people who had a great experience with TNT.

Here's the review I wrote about the event on Yelp:

"Overall, a great event for a great cause. If you are not currently partaking in an "active lifestyle" and you want to take on a big challenge and do a marathon or a half marathon, or if you have been affected by leukemia or lymphoma and you want to do something to raise money for that cause, I highly recommend this event.

You hardcore runners out there who are trying to PR, qualify for Boston, hate people who listen to music on the course and get annoyed when slower people do not stay to the right? This may not be the race for you. This is kind of the "fun run" of marathons.

PROS:
It was great to see people from all over the country running through San Francisco. Coming downhill, when you first came around the corner and saw Ocean Beach, you could hear the runners gasp at the view. "It's so beautiful!" I hear people saying. And in that moment, my heart felt like it would burst with pride. I am so lucky to live here! Thank you to all the people who traveled so far to participate, for your great energy and being stoked to be here (thanks for spending all that money, too, we need it!). Your enthusiasm made me appreciate San Francisco all over again.

The event was well-organized. The packet pick-up was smooth, there were plenty of volunteers and food. The aid stations along the course were well-stocked. Great volunteers: they got out of bed at o'dark thirty in the morning to help out and they had an amazing attitude.

The positive energy on the course was great. I had been warned that if you are not sporting a TNT jersey that you might be in danger of not getting handed water at the aid stations, or that the people on the course would be conspicuously silent as you ran by. I'm not on a TNT team, but I have made many donations to my friends who have done TNT events, including several hundred $ to people in this race alone. After the event, I can say I have absolutely nothing bad to say about TNT's involvement in this race. $18.5M was raised for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and you can't argue with the impact that amount of money has. Plus, seeing so many people running for a cause really makes the race more meaningful. There were posters along the side of the road with photos of TNT honorees, and even reading the names on people's jerseys was inspiring. Most of the support is for TNT because that's where most of the people in the race are from. The whole event is geared at being a TNT fundraiser, and I found the overwhelming TNT presence made it a positive experience.

CONS:
Because this is a Nike event, there was no evidence that any other sportswear companies exist on the planet. Usually there's some interesting gear at the expos. This expo was brand-alignment central: Apple and Nike. I felt a little overwhelmed with Nike branding by the end of the weekend and I ended up blowing off some steam and some $ at the New Balance store. Ha!

Most of the post-race amenities were swamped with people, so that whole "get a massage and a pedicure" after the race? Uh, yeah, if you're willing to wait an hour in line to get it! If you just ran 26.2 miles (or even 13.1), you are not up for waiting in long lines. You want a shower and something to eat. Which reminds me...

You have to pay extra for transport back. An extra $10 in advance or $15 at the expo. The lines for the buses were INSANE. Way, way longer than the post-Bay to Breakers line that took an hour. There were plenty of buses there, but there was no one directing people to the buses or helping out with that. Despite paying extra for the transportation back, we ended up getting a cab back because the thought of standing in line for two hours was not appealing.

I was disappointed to see in another review that the race organizers don't flyer the neighborhoods that will be affected by the event. It went along with the attitude of "We are Nike, and we'll do what we feel like doing."

But at the end of the day, this event raises EIGHTEEN AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS to fight blood cancer. That is simply incredible, so an event that would otherwise deserve three stars gets four."

I'm not sure if this is for cat people or dog people, but it's hysterical.

2007-10-16T09:17:00.001-07:00

No cats or teenagers were hurt.

From the peanut gallery

2007-10-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

Hoov, who just got out of the shower and is prancing around Jenny's apartment singing Kelly Clarkson, just told me to write, "I had the run OF MY LIFE!!!" (I just got back from a gorgeous run along the beach). Hoov needs to understand that in this blog, "all caps" is reserved for things like offensive ads for toys and people who have 17 children. Exclamation points are reserved for truly momentous things, like Supreme Court cases and anything Ann Coulter says.

Finest City

2007-10-13T17:38:00.000-07:00

Right now, I'm sitting on the window seat in Jenny's place, looking out at the ocean and the palm trees and remembering why every time I come to San Diego I wonder why I don't move here.... well, move back here. I lived in La Jolla from 1994 - 1998 (minus one year "abroad") but living life as an undergrad somewhere like La Jolla doesn't give you a really good sense of the area. Jenny has shuttled back and forth between the Bay Area and North County SD since college, but swears that this time she's here to stay. I can't blame her - she's got a sweet place - a beautiful condo in Encinitas, one of the many cool, funky towns along San Diego's north coast.

What I do remember about San Diego is all about precincts. In college I was much more active in politics, and can probably tell you where you're likely to get a good reception when you're pounding the pavement on a Saturday morning to try to get a single goddamn Democrat elected in this town.

Odd sight of the day: When I left home Friday night it was rainy and foggy and this morning in San Diego it rained briefly, causing everyone in the greater area to briefly lose their mind and the sheer insanity of precipitation. We stopped by a surf expo at the Del Mar Fairgrounds and there was a guy with a huge tank on the back of a truck and he was vacuuming up the water. I guess if you were in front of a restaurant, but the fairgrounds? He was just going through the parking lot, vacuuming up the water. Go figure.

Thirty Minutes to Better Running

2007-10-12T14:59:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Runner's World, three different 30-minute workouts.

Workout One

Run an easy 6-minute warmup.
Do eight 30-second pickups with a 60-second jog after each. Run the pickups at about your 5-K race pace. After the last 60-second jog, you will have been running for 18 minutes.
Do a 10-minute acceleration run, starting after your last 60-second jog (above). Do the first 2 minutes at half-marathon pace, then increase your pace by about 20 seconds per mile every 2 minutes. By minutes 7 and 8, you should be running close to your 5-K race pace. The last 2 minutes, you'll be going even faster, which you'll recognize by the tongue hanging from your mouth.
Finish with a 2-minute cooldown.

Workout Two

Jog 2 minutes.
Run 1 mile at your half-marathon pace. Walk or jog 2 minutes.
Run 1 mile at your 10-K race pace. Walk or jog 2 minutes.
Run 1 mile at your 5-K race pace.

Workout Three

Start with 5 minutes of calisthenics that include pushups, pullups, crunches, and lunges. Example: 25 to 50 pushups, 10 pullups, 25 to 50 crunches, and 10 lunges with each leg.
Run 5 minutes very easy to warm up.
Run 15 minutes at about your 10-K race pace.
Finish with 5 minutes of cooldown stretching of the calf muscles, hamstrings, and quads.

"Gosh, that's... uh, interesting."

2007-10-11T16:04:00.000-07:00

Also last weekend was the first of three consecutive weekends of Open Studios, where local artists open their studios (and often their homes) to display their wares, discuss their work and hopefully make a few sales in the process. This is one of my favorite events because you get to meet artists who live in your town, and are working away in homes you drive by every day. We got a map of the studios and hopped on our bikes to check out some of the art in our neighborhood.

My two favorites were Bob Barbour and Tom Kennedy. I've admired Barbour's work for years and was delighted to discover he lives in my neighborhood. His best-known images are shots of waves, which he often shoots in the water. He explains on his site:

"As my career progressed, my interest was drawing me "into" the water. I wanted
to create unique and timeless images of the ocean, directly from the ocean,
giving viewers a perspective that most would never have the opportunity to
experience. These photographs are captured while I'm swimming or floating on a
mat, oftentimes in extreme conditions. To protect the camera, I design and build
my own custom water housings."

The Open Studio at Bob's house was set up really well. He has a studio/office in his backyard and had refreshments and chairs set up. When we were done peering, we I turned around and looked at his house. A smallish Victorian style home, it is painted a bright blue with white trim. The house is wave colors. Very cool.

Next we went to see Tom Kennedy's paintings. We hadn't planned on stopping here, but we were riding by and saw the bright green sign that designates an open studio and decided to check it in. There were easels set up all through the backyard and inside the studio. His paintings are modern and non-representational, so it was great to actually have the artist there so you could talk to him. When it comes to really modern work, it's hard to just look at a canvas. "Hmmm... lots of... colors... what is it, exactly?" Tom invited us to sit down in the shade and we chatted for a while, and then he showed us some of his favorite canvases, and talked about how he'd created the paintings, what he thought about them. In addition to being friendly, he was incredibly honest about his work, telling us about what he felt didn't work well and his concerns about the works and the art "industry" generally. This is my favorite thing about this program - being able to stand there and have someone explain their work - how they got involved, what it means to them. Art on a wall doesn't mean much to me. I want to see where it comes from, who made it and where, what they think of it, what do they want people to know about it...

Tom had taken apart a book on modern artists and pasted the pages on a board that was hung by the entrance. As you came in, you could check out mini-bios and an example of the work of the best-known modern painters, like Kandinsky and Pollock. It was a great reference and I think it helped place the paintings in the context of modern work generally.

We stopped by a few other places, someone who did prints with woodcuts, another person who printed on textiles, more painters and a woman who does mosaics with little pieces of ceramics. It must be hard to put all your artwork out there for people to just walk in off the street and judge. I tried to go out of my way to say something nice to each of the artists, although in one case I was so befuddled I just ended up gingerly retreating out of the house when the artist was in another room.

In the warm California sun...

2007-10-10T11:54:00.000-07:00

This week we had some much-needed rain, but it felt like saying good-bye to summer, especially since last weekend was packed with lots of summer activities.

We had free passes at the Boardwalk, and on Saturday spent a few hours there with Nat and baby Molly. I think it was the first time JFJ has actually been on the rides, and also the first time I tried the famous "Dippin Dots" ice cream. Most tourists head straight to the Boardwalk and I forget sometimes how many people are from out of town. If you ever need to convince someone that America is in the midst of an obesity epidemic, take them to the Boardwalk.

Sometimes that place really does seem like the village of the damned. One of the human tragedies on offer that day was this very large pregnant woman in line behind us for one of the rides, and she was describing in vivid and EXTREMELY LOUD detail how she was kicking out her boyfriend because he cheated on her. It was a story filled with profanity and repeated references to the court system, family services and the boyfriend's "stash." I thought the story was going to end with her saying, "And that's how we got to be on Dr. Phil."

On Saturday afternoon we helped set up for the Superkid Triathlon, which looked so fun I wanted to borrow a munchkin and enter them in the event! Kids from age 3 to 14 participate in a swim/bike/run at the Simpkins Swim Center. I know, it sounds like child abuse, but it's not an endurance event, the distances are scaled to be age-appropriate, so for example the three year-olds swim across the pool once (with a parent/guardian). ride their little tricycles down the length of one section of the parking lot and then run 1/20 mile to the finish line! The longest distance is for the 11-14 year-olds, who swim 200 yards, bike 2.5 miles and run 1 mile. Unfortunately, we drank too much wine that night and overslept the next day so we didn't get to see the race itself! Maybe that's for the best since I'm sure even though most parents are pretty chill, there was bound to be a few of the uber-competitive variety, screaming at their five-year olds from the sidelines. And that shit makes me crazy.

Latent hostility.

2007-10-09T15:09:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, the sun was shining temptingly outside and Nat and I decide to talk a brief walk. As we come back in, we bump into her boss, who is walking outside as we go in. We exchange pleasantries about the weather:

Me: "It's lovely out there."
Nat's boss: "Yes, I was outside earlier and it's really nice."
Me:"Sure is tough to come back in."
Nat's boss: "Well, off I go."
Nat: "And don't come back!!"

The weird thing was, Nat just continues the conversation we'd been having as though she hadn't just told her boss to get the hell out.

No, I was just calling to say hi.

2007-10-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

I was on my way to work this morning and sitting in my car, waiting for the traffic light to change. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a naked man. I looked again. Sure enough, there was a youngish, slightly scruffy man walking right down the middle of the road. Buck. Naked. He came to a stop to my left and, looking straight ahead the whole time, carefully, even a little primly, sat down in the road and then leaned back until he was lying directly on the double yellow line dividing the street.

This is an extremely busy intersection and, public nudity aside, I was worried this guy would be run over. I called the local police department.

"Santa Cruz Police, are you calling about the naked man on Soquel Avenue?"
(After a brief moment of stunned surprise) "Uh, yes."
"We're on our way."
"Ok, thanks."

Only in this town do they answer the phone, "Are you calling about the naked man?"

Fuck the Cottage, where's the Rose Petal Executive Office?

2007-10-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

Women are now CEOs at Kraft ($34B T.R.), Xerox ($16B T.R.), eBay ($6B T.R.) PepsiCo ($35B T.R.) , Time Inc. ($5B T.R.), Wellpoint ($57B T.R.), Archer Daniels Midland ($44B T.R.), Avon ($8B T.R.) and Sara Lee ($12B T.R.).

The full CNN article is here.

There's always a place here for NASCAR jokes.

2007-10-04T14:17:00.000-07:00

NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: 'Drive Fast'

George Clooney is awesome (#47 in a series)

2007-10-04T12:39:00.000-07:00

If that purple thingy looks familiar, look in the back pages of your nearest "Maxim" or "Men's Health" where the sidebar ads are - that is none other than "The Liberator," a sex aid that helps couples get into spectacular positions by arranging themsleves on the plush foam. I love the fact that he's taking it out the front door so casually, like he's going to the grocery store with it.

King Lines movie

2007-10-03T10:13:00.001-07:00

This movie (and the people in it) look INSANE. The local showing is already sold out, but hopefully it will end up accessible to a wider audience. In the meantime, the trailer will make you wonder what the hell you are doing sitting in an office all day.

See more at Reel Rock Tour.

The Scientific Christian

2007-10-03T09:30:00.000-07:00

Last night I met up with CMW to do a little shopping and have a healthy dinner. Not surprisingly, we ended up sucking down margaritas at Chili's the whole night.* This is pretty much how the entire semester of Professional Responsibility went. We'd show up with the best of intentions, and then look at each other and say, "Margaritas?" Maybe we don't have all the Model Rules memorized, but the important thing is that we supported the economy. And we both passed the bar and haven't been disbarred yet, so we must have done something right.

Another usual thing with CMW and I is to start out with polite chit chat about work and friends and eventually it turns into really heavy meaning-of-life discussions. I enjoy CMW's perspective because she's an engineer and has the most scientific, logical mind of anyone I know. Like a Vulcan in Ann Taylor. Like all rambling, drunken conversations we eventually turned to religion (the immediate precursor to a discussion about sex). CMW and I are both lapsed Catholics who believe that the number of people who believe in Creationism correlates to the lack of emphasis on hard science in public education. We were talking about the difficulty of faith and what we would think about Christianity if we lived in a non-Western country and someone came and pitched us the story of Jesus. CMW pondered the matter of Christianity for a moment, and I could see the left side of her brain churning away, "I suppose it's plausible." she eventually concluded.

*I think this explains my, uh, intense reaction to the Rose Petal Cottage.

Yellow Wallpaper Optional

2007-10-02T22:30:00.000-07:00

I have just seen the most disturbing fucking thing on television. I come home, and JFJ is watching the Ken Burns documentary on WWII. But once he hears me coming up the stairs, he quickly flips to the E! special, "100 Greatest SNL Moments." So, it's 10:30pm at night and we're watching Adam Sandler clips, and an ad comes on for something called "Rose Petal Cottage." I wish there was a clip of the ad on YouTube, but there's not, so you'll just have to watch E! at after 10pm to see it. Anyway, this is the most fucked-up commercial I've ever seen, and I grew up when pet turtles were throwing down martial arts in the sewers with rats (who thinks this stuff up?).

So, Rose Petal Cottage. The ad shows this little girl, baking and doing laundry in her little cloth cottage, with the most disturbing voice-ever, encouraging parents to buy this cloth-covered prison of the mind where your little girl can "live out her dreams" (that's a direct quote) by baking and doing laundry. I know that's my dream. And that's what I would want for my kid. No fancy education, profession, or means of providing for herself. Just laundry. 40 years of feminism, and this is what we've got. My Little Laundry Center.

Optional pieces of the Cottage: a lounge chair ("Where you can park your fat ass when you're done with the laundry." -JFJ), and a nursery (which is really just a crib) where you can park the kid in between loads of whites.

Here's what the Hasbro site has to say about this product:

"Give your little girl a place of her own, with this fabric-covered playhouse that gives little imaginations a place to roam free. Standing just over four feet tall, this cottage has double-sided fabric walls to help little homemakers feel right at home, complete with windows, a Dutch door and chimney. When it’s time to prepare pretend meals, the durable fiberboard stove has knobs that really turn and an oven door that opens! Playing “house” in the ROSE PETAL Cottage lets your little girl build her very own home – and her imagination! – right in your living room!"

What kind of fucked-up message do we want to send to little American girls? I mean, Barbies, ok. I played with Barbies as a kid and I still managed to become a professional adult female with only the usual self-image drama, nothing I had to stick my finger down my throat about. I'm very much about let the kid play with what they want to play with. And yeah, it seems like little girls like to play princess and dress up,a nd little boys like to... destroy... things.... But this shit? This is outright brainwashing. There's no "imagination" being used in the Rose Petal Cottage. There's just baking and cleaning and popping out babies (did I mention the nursery?) because, basically, sweetie, that's what you're here for. You cook, you clean and you pop out some munchkins. Want to drive a tractor? Want to play with the ant farm or the chem set? Well, that's just too fucking bad, sweetie, because that's not what little girls do, now get back into that cottage and make me my goddamn dinner 'afore I have to backhand you.

I am now convinced that Hasbro is being operated by the crazy right wingers and it's all part of a plot to turn the nation's little girls into Stepford Wives. Get 'em while they're young, brainwash them into subservience before they get any crazy ideas about growing up to become financial analysts or engineers or (GOD HELP US), Presidential candidates!

I had to blog about this before I compose my sternly-worded email to Hasbro Toy Company and Obedience School. We'll see what they have to say about this. If you never hear from me again, the Southern Baptists came for me in the night. Tell the world my story.

GOY: Girlfriend Of the Year

2007-10-01T20:30:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing that gets me the coveted GOY award, what would it be? The fact that as he watched the nail-biting Rockies/Padres game he got to eat freshly-baked cookies? The fact that I want to see We Own The Night for the same reason he does (Eva Mendes is Smoking Hot)? No, it would probably be his birthday presents: the complete DVD set of Indiana Jones movies and two tickets to a Sharks game. On the ice. When I gave him the tickets, I kept pointing to where it said "Row: 1" but I don't think he totally "got" where we were sitting until we were there, with a 1" plexiglass in front of our faces.

Full cups of beer and happy (we had to learn the hard way why you shouldn't put your beer there when the first set of players slammed into the glass and the beer went everywhere).

No more beer?

I have a whole new admiration for hockey players after seeing them up close. The action is lightening fast. Most of my pictures from the game were blurry because the players were moving so quickly but I did get a few that show the action.

In the end, the Sharks beat the Calgary Flames 2 to 1. It was a preseason game, but the Arena was crammed and everyone was really into the game.

Happy birthday, JFJ. The Sharks play some great hockey, but the best team at the Arena that night was us!

Not for the workplace!

2007-10-01T15:21:00.000-07:00

SNL...COLONEL ANGUS

Polly Wanna Cookie?

2007-09-27T14:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms. [Redhead],

Thank you for your e-mail regarding our current Banana Republic models.
We always want to know how our advertising is being received, and your comments are appreciated.

We regularly evaluate our ads for effectiveness and reach because we want to make sure our advertising is appropriate for our customers and our brands. Feedback like yours is an important part of this process, and we have forwarded your concerns to the marketing managers who are
responsible for these decisions. We are sure they will be interested to hear your thoughts on this matter as well.

Again, thanks for bringing your concerns to our attention. We hope you will continue to let us know how we are doing.

Sincerely,

Robert
Customer Service Consultant

Original Message Follows:
-------------------------

Dear Banana Republic,

I was happily shopping on the BR site today when I came across the photograph to illustrate the "Geometric Shift Dress." The model wearing it is WAY more than thin. She looks like she has spent the last nine months on a life raft surviving only on water and Correctol. She doesn't look good - she looks sick (and very, very hungry). Please restore some sanity to your products by avoiding using models that are underweight.

Kind Regards,

[Redhead]
Santa Cruz, California

What was your favorite part about kayaking?

2007-09-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

Other fair favorites

2007-09-20T14:43:00.000-07:00

Block o'fries

Casually insane quilting.

Wall o'jam.

SWINE BARN!!

The "Pig Parts" poster.

2007-09-18T16:41:00.001-07:00

Blogging temporarily suspended while I obsess over television history in the making.

2007-09-17T16:22:00.000-07:00

When I saw these roses at the fair, the first thing I thought was, "These would be perfect for a Happy Pride Day bouquet for your favorite gay."

Be careful, though. Make sure the recipient is really "out." Could be awkward.

Lolotter

2007-09-13T11:08:00.000-07:00

Scrumpy-isms

2007-09-13T10:26:00.000-07:00

My mother stayed with us for a few days this week. I casually refer to JFJ by my nickname for him, "otter."

Scrumpy: Do you call him 'otter' because he is so sleek?

Me: No, otters are his favorite animal... um, did you just say
he's sleek?

Scrumpy pretends not to hear me, rummages in her purse.

September 11, 2007

2007-09-11T14:57:00.000-07:00

It would be pretty crass of me to post multiple times today and not even mention the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Six years later, it's hard to accept the additional bloodshed that resulted from the so-called "War on Terror:" the 3,762 members of the U.S. Armed Forces killed in Iraq, the 374 killed in Afghanistan, 70,000+ Iraqi civilian casualties and God knows how many Afghani civilian casualties. Not to mention the journalists and military contractors who have also lost their lives, the amputees and other casualties, and the soldiers who come home whole in body but with a broken mind.

How will we explain this to our children? What has been accomplished? Al Queda is growing in Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq, Osama's still out there spreading his message of terror. The events of September 11 brought Americans together in a remarkable way. As a nation we mourned together and resolved to be strong, to be united. Today, we are united again, this time wondering, collectively, what went wrong. And looking to our country's leadership for answers.

"Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a
tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite
thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also." Matthew 5: 38-39

What the kids say these days.

2007-09-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

Cottaging
Discreet acts of buggery performed in a toilet cubicle. Often anonymous.

Mouse arrest
Getting grounded from the family computer.

Butt dial
When your cell phone accidentally calls someone you did not mean to while on your person.

Work hot
A person that may or may not be hot, but is the most attractive person in the set of people you work with so you lust after him/her.

Typeractive
Someone who is overly talkative on emails or text messages.

Pregret
The feeling of regretting something you're about to do anyway.

iPerbole
The hype surrounding any product Apple unveils.

From Urban Dictionary.

Tales from the library

2007-09-09T17:29:00.001-07:00

The inscription on the front leaf of a book on fine art reads:

"To John - Marry my mother or give it back!"

And now your heart will explode from the sheer cuteness.

2007-09-07T16:57:00.000-07:00

New additions to the celebrity shit list.

2007-09-07T16:21:00.000-07:00

Kelly Clarkson: I am a good singer, so I can't possibly be a good writer. Women can't possibly be good at two things.

Hillary Duff: I'm not, like, a crazy feminist. I think women definitely need men. Like, I couldn't imagine having a girlfriend!

Brooke Shields: I'm so naive about finances. Once, when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized that I didn't understand, she had to explain, 'That's like three Mercedes.' Then I understood.

Britney Spears: I've never really wanted to go to Japan, simply because I don't really like eating fish, and I know that's very popular out there in Africa.

The Internet is really great today.

2007-09-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

FromOverheard in the Office

2007-09-07T16:10:00.000-07:00

Customer: Do you have a copy machine?

CSR: Um, no... This is a book store.

Customer: Yeah, but I just want to copy this book.

CSR: We sell books.

Customer: But I don't want to buy it, I just want to copy it.

CSR: Then maybe you should try a library. We sell books.

Customer: But I'm here now, and I want to copy this book.

CSR: Look, okay, buy the book take it down to Kinkos and copy it, then return it.

Customer: I think that's illegal. I'd like to report you to your manager.

Bookstore
Pensacola, Florida

Boom boom, chicka chicka boom boom*

2007-09-07T15:47:00.000-07:00

Continuing in the vein of this week's posts about hetero relations, posted below are some images from the book "Porn for Women" available at fine purveyors of humorous literature everywhere. My friend CMW got this book for me for my birthday. Also, Brie sent me the images by email.**

*That's supposed to be porn music.

**Yes, these are obviously pirated and used completely without permission.

CNN Breaking News: Men like hot chicks!

2007-09-04T13:51:00.000-07:00

It's a good thing we have long-term scientific studies to help us figure this stuff out.

WELL. IT'S BEEN QUITE A WEEK.

2007-08-31T13:48:00.000-07:00

My profanity and road rage levels are at an all-time high, and I'm expecting the local p.d. to come a knockin' on my door at any moment. Playing DCFC on Pandora usually mellows me out sufficiently that at least I can stop rocking myself and mumbling while crouched in the corner of my office, but today I just want to jump on the desk and shout "MOTHERFUCKER!!!" at the top of my lungs.

Yesterday as I was on my way to a somewhat important business meeting a friend asked me if I ever just wanted to get up and pee on the floor.

Absolutely.

I think it's just the pervasive Office Space-ness about our work environment that sometimes makes me want to do crazy things. It's such a relief that I'm not the only one.

There's no real reason for this sense of mania, apart from the general low-level psychosis that is my constant companion. In fact, it's been a pretty good week.

JFJ moved his stuff in last weekend, and it's been unexpectedly nice to have someone in the apartment to cook me dinner and spackle the marks in the wall where I've made deep gouges with my nails when I'm in "a mood." I'm sure my neighbors think he's always been there because they've heard me talking to myself pretty regularly and are probably relieved to see another person exiting the apartment. My mother tried to pull some bullshit with a mattress we gave her but nothing totally outrageous. And when my ex-boyfriend the commitment phobe announced that he was proposing to his girlfriend of six months (almost exactly two years after he had no intention of ever getting married) I just wished him the best and gave him some pointers on pre-nups. My therapist asked me if I was angry at him, but anytime I start to get bitter, I remember that if TB and I hadn't broken up, I wouldn't have met JFJ and we wouldn't be living in domestic bliss.

2007-08-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

I have recently sold a couple of pieces of furniture on craigslist to make way for JFJ's stuff. All in all, it's been a good experience, validating my belief that most people in this this world are honest and good folk who are just trying to get by.

This experience also validated my belief that there are a lot of really, really dumb people out there. I posted an ad for my dining room table, including several photographs, the dimensions and my own assessment of the table's condition. The price? $40.

Here is a sampling of the questions I received about the dining room table:

"How big is it?"
The dimensions are on the ad.

"Can you deliver it to Fremont?"
Yes, and just like a furniture store, there will be a delivery fee. My delivery fee is $850. When would you like me to come by?

"I live in San Jose and I don't know Santa Cruz very well. I'm afraid I might get lost. Can you meet me halfway?"
The fact that you have chosen to live in a crockpot of a suburb which has the housing costs of Manhattan and the cultural benefits of Topeka is entirely your responsibility. The fact that you cannot find your way out of it is just sad.

"What if I come look at it and decide I don't want it?"
Then you'll have to give me your firstborn, who I will sell to the gypsies at a handsome profit.

"Will it fit in my kitchen?"
Yes. Absolutely.

"Will it fit in my Prius?"
Do you actually want to know that, or did you just want to call someone to tell them you drive a Prius?

2007-08-24T10:34:00.000-07:00

If you buy stamps online from the US Postal Service, why is there a shipping charge?

Speakers required.

2007-08-23T14:03:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I am the only person who still thinks lolcats are hysterical, but I will live with that shame.

The Rockafire Explosion

My mother is hipper than I thought

2007-08-23T09:48:00.000-07:00

She frequently tries to send me emails to the wrong email address. Then she just waits for it to bounce back and types in the address more careful (or calls to ask me for the address, in which case she no longer needs to send me the email because she can just tell me whatever it is she was writing to me about). This morning I got an email from her like this, and instead of sending it to my email address "magicalpumpkin," she had sent it to "magicalpimpin." Sweet.

Should Michael Vick be allowed to play?

2007-08-22T10:48:00.000-07:00

Here's what some CNN viewer emails say:

Nichelle Williams of Woodbridge, Virginia: "If Imus is going to return back to
the air ... then Vick should return to the field. You violate some people or
beings; you apologize, let the air clear and go on with business as usual!"

Debbie Connor of Whitesville, Kentucky: "No, he should not be granted
the right to play pro football again! He was given the "Golden" key to a life of
fame and riches and he blew it away. He should be working for the road
department, picking up 'Road Kill' off the streets!"

John Robinson of Redmond, Washington: "Pro athletes are constantly getting in trouble with the law. Unless we make a policy that all players who are convicted of a felony are banned from the league, then Vick should be allowed to play after a suspension."

Jeremy Montgomery of Mount Laurel, New Jersey: "I think that Vick should
not be allowed to step on the field again and any endorsement deals revoked.
What he did was reprehensible. He is in a spotlight where he should be held at a
higher standard for a role model."

Patricia Reese of Paola, Kansas:
"Yes, I think Mr. Vick should be allowed to play football again. He is a
talented individual and it would be a shame to waste that talent. I also believe
he should be able to rebuild his life. However, as part of his restitution to
society, I believe he should contribute at least 40% of his salary for what
could have potentially been his maximum jail sentence to the Humane Society to
help abused and abandoned animals."

What do you think?

2007-08-21T11:59:00.000-07:00

I went running along the bluffs at Wilder Ranch last night, the first time I've been running in a while and although it was rough, it felt good. Wilder is an incredible place to run, the birds coast along the cliff right next to you and the surf crashes on the rocks below. JFJ met me at the turnaround point and we ran back together. He spotted some otters in the surf and we stopped to watch them. They would dive for shellfish and when they came back up, we could hear them pounding their dinner on a rock to open the shell. The sun sparkled off the waves as the otters frolicked and the pelicans dove into the water. I thought about how lucky I was to live here, with this incredible scenery and wildlife practically at my doorstep.

On the way home we ran into some traffic downtown, which turned out to be caused by a streetfight and some kid almost got thrown on the hood of my car. It appeared to have originated in a neighborhood dive bar (the Asti, aka "the nasty") and the kid's girlfriend (?) was screaming and crying hysterically as two guys chased the kid into traffic and across the street. Without even thinking I did my three-step "trouble" check: Doors locked? Check. Phone in hand? Check. Taser in console? Check.

Bliss shattered? Check.

They see me rollin'... they hatin... trying to catch me readin dirty....

2007-08-17T15:17:00.000-07:00

When I’m not spinning def jams and keeping my beyotches in line, I’m reading the finest contemporary fiction I can get my hands on. Thanks to a cool new site called Shelfari, I can keep up with what my friends are reading, write reviews of books, discuss them and join groups of like-minded readers. I’ve included a link to my “virtual shelf” at the sidebar here ---->

Check it out, and if you join, be sure to be my friend. I like friends.

P.S. 2007 New Years Resolution #17 : Obtain A Virtual “something.” Check.

P.P.S. My Shelfar username is magicalpumpkin.

You can never have TOO MUCH time for otters.

2007-08-16T09:40:00.001-07:00

UK band 7 Seconds of Love makes vids featuring assorted creatures, mostly kittens. They say "evil" kittens but I think they are just misunderstood.

My favorite song (so far) is I Like Your Pants, which begins with the fabulous line, "I got a lot of time for otters..."

Rove leaving White House to "be with family"

2007-08-14T08:05:00.001-07:00

Karl Rove has a family? It's like finding out that Satan likes to garden.

For the fellas...

2007-08-13T15:07:00.000-07:00

The next time you're at a wedding and everybody is about to do the Chicken Dance, break out the C-Walk instead. Maybe you can spell out the bride and grooms names with your feet? Sweet.

Learn how:

And on the left, you'll see a naked hippie on the bongos...

2007-08-13T10:05:00.000-07:00

JFJ's parents are here for a week-long visit. I'm pleased to announce that they are very nice. We all have the same sense of humor and they are super easygoing. We've been showing them the sights and they are always really interested and eager for whatever we decide to throw their way.

Apparently their son told them that I am a one-woman roadmap, Zagat guide and parking locator. Imagine my surprise when it turns out I'm on tap to provide directions, restaurant recommendations and an instant evaluation of all local parking garages in the greater SF bay area. However, since they have been really understanding about my morning binge drinking, road rage and profanity, I am willing to cooperate.

Tomorrow they meet Scrumpy. Hang on to your hat for that one.

Tell me how you REALLY feel.

2007-08-08T16:49:00.000-07:00

Funny, often insulting ecards for, literally, any occasion. Best of all, they can be sent anonymously. But if you're going to send insulting messages to your exes, don't be surprised when they figure out who it is. Hoov, this means you.

Things I'd rather be doing:

2007-08-07T11:55:00.001-07:00

Spending 36 hours in Cinque Terre.

You're Going To Die.

2007-08-07T09:47:00.001-07:00

We're all going to die. Eventually. At our age (let’s face it, no one over 50 is reading this thing) we are more likely to become disabled than to die unexpectedly. That's why if you're single and don't have kids or a house, long-term disability insurance is probably a better bet than life insurance. Another important thing to think about is who will make decisions for you if you become unable to do so yourself. Don’t get Schiavoed, people. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my crazy Catholic family keeping me in a vegetative state indefinitely.

Go here to learn more about how you can make your end-of-life decisions now. The site also has a sample Advance Health Care Directive for use in California. That’s here. You can fill it out and either have it signed by two witnesses or notarized.

Don’t just put it “somewhere safe” where no one will ever find it. Bring a copy to your next doctor’s appointment and have them put it in your medical file. It’s also a good idea to leave copies with the people whom you have designated as your decision-makers.

Finally, if you did become a vegetable, what kind of vegetable would you want to be? JNC and JFJ and I discussed this at JNC's local "tea bar" on Sunday. We eventually concluded that corn sounds pretty good. Those kernels are nice and soft, you get wrapped in silk strands and a protective husk. However, I've always been partial to carrots.

2007-08-06T14:59:00.000-07:00

Favorite best-of-craigslist post.

Straight Up

2007-08-06T13:56:00.000-07:00

From the ever-reliable NY Post :

Paula Abdul is always running late, as seen on her Bravo show, "Hey Paula" - but woe to her assistants if they don't get their jobs done on time. A spy says, "There's a salon chair in her house where she gets her hair and makeup done every day. She'll sit in it, set an alarm, and then, because she's on so many painkillers, pass out while her hair and makeup guy gets her ready for the day. When the alarm goes off she'll wake up, and God forbid the poor guy isn't done yet. All hell breaks loose." Abdul's rep said, "There's no alarm that I've ever seen."

As far as the painkillers go, that doesn’t seem very far-fetched if you’ve seen her new reality show, in which she breaks down into hysterical crying at least two or three times per episode. But as far as passing out in a salon chair in your home while a paid minion does your hair and makeup, I’m 100% on board with that. If I had Paula’s resources, this is exactly what I would do (not yelling at the assistants, though. Don’t oppress the workers). In my case, it might be liquor that induced the nap, rather than painkillers, but most of the time I don’t even need a drink, just somewhere to sit down and I’m out like a light. I can’t think of a better way to start the morning than to nod off in a chair and wake up to find myself professionally groomed and “camera ready” as they say in the biz. I think the NY Post needs to lay off Paula about this, because ladies and gentlemen, this is what success is all about.

Happy Monday

2007-08-06T11:08:00.001-07:00

The smell of rotting garbage permeates my workplace. I first noticed in the breakroom and since my office is right outside that room, now my office smells like rotting garbage (a change from the microwaved salmon or broccoli that I'm usually subjected to). I can't actually locate the source of the smell, but it's gotten so strong that I'm starting to worry... that's it's me...

Wait, hear me out. I haven't actually been able to find the rotting garbage. I'm usually the last person to smell something weird but in this case it seems like I'm the only one bothered by it. What if I sat in something or my shirt accidentally brushed against something that smells horrific? And I'm just carrying the smell around with me?

If you work in my office and I smell like rotting garbage, please let me know. Thanks.

Not the only one judging!

2007-08-03T13:24:00.000-07:00

And God bless Mark Morford, who wrote a column about the overbreeding Duggars after the 15th child and said everything I'd like to say if I weren't afraid of offending people:

Let us be clear: I don't care what sort of God you believe in, it's a safe bet that hysterical breeding does not top her list of desirables. God does not want more children per acre than there are ants or mice or garter snakes or repressed pedophilic priests. We already have three billion humans on the planet who subsist on less than two dollars a day. Every other child in the world (one billion of them) lives in abject poverty. We are burning through the planet's resources faster than a Republican can eat an endangered caribou stew. Note to Michelle Duggar: If God wanted you to have a massive pile of children, she'd have given your uterus a hydraulic pump and a revolving door. Stop it now.

Ah, but this is America, yes? People should be allowed to do whatever the hell they want with their families if they can afford it and if it's within the law and so long as they aren't gay or deviant or happily flouting Good Christian Values, right? Shouldn't they? Hell, gay couples still can't openly adopt a baby in most states (they either lie, or one adopts and the other must apply as "co-parent"), but Michelle Duggar can pop out 16 kids and no one says, oh my freaking God, stop it, stop it now, you thoughtless, selfish, baby-drunk people.

Hoov says my "ranting" reminds her of his column. And since he has been the subject of many death threats from far-right whack jobs, I take that as a great compliment.

Number of AIDS orphans, worldwide: 13.4 million.

2007-08-03T12:13:00.000-07:00

Still angry.

2007-08-03T12:07:00.000-07:00

Check out Population Connection for more information about overpopulation. I'm going to give them some $$ right now in an attempt to offset the evil that Arkansas baby makers hath wrought.

Judging! I'm judging!

2007-08-03T11:39:00.001-07:00

This crazy bitch just had her seventeenth kid. People. That is NUTS. That family should be fined by the EPA because having ten kids is about the worst thing you can do for the planet right now. I could drive a Hummer on a 100 miles roundtrip commute every day for a month and not pollute as much as that that family does in a day. The article estimates they have gone through 90,000 diapers. WHY DO YOU HATE THE PLANET? Nevermind the diapers, the empty baby food jars, crazy plastic crap, what about the fact that all these kids are going to grow up and all drive Tahoes and have huge refrigerators and probably another 10 kids each! I'm so pissed off about the environmental impact that I don't even want to start on how you could not possibly be an adequate parent to this many children. Check out the "fun facts" about this insanity on the Discovery channel site about the family... who are now getting their own show, of course.

It blows me away that people make fun of Brangelina for adopting kids from third world countries and applaud crazy right wing crackers who don't know how to use a condom. You want to experience the joy of creating life (cue sounds of angels singing)...? Great, but stop at two! That's the population replacement rate!

First executive act by my future presidency: free sterilization to anyone who wants it. With extra clinics in Little Rock, because apparently they are confused.

Uncanny.

2007-08-01T12:50:00.001-07:00

As observed by Judith Warner's guest Op-Ed piece in the New York Times.

Subtitles are difficult to read: The Ingmar Bergman Memorial Post

2007-08-01T10:36:00.001-07:00

Few things are more fun than reading the comments about movies on Netflix. Poor Ingmar was never really "accepted" by the average American moviegoer. Not that I think he cared. Anyway, to shed some light on the subject, I've selected some reviews of his movies posted on Netflix:

The Seventh Seal
"Maybe I'm missing something here, but I don't think so."

Fanny & Alexander
"A beautifully filmed movie. However, subtitles difficult to read and keep up with."

Scenes From A Marriage
"The reviews would suggest that I would like this - witty conversations on marriage, a classic film, similar to Annie Hall. NONSENSE. This is boring. Two people squabbling for three hours - IN SWEDISH! It is not funny, it is not witty, it is not interesting."

"Boring, boring, boring. Essentially nonsensical dialogue between a husband and wife as they grow to hate each other, and then tolerate each other enough to carry on behind the backs of their new spouses. If you want to see a good movie about the dissolution of a marriage, you're much better off with the well-done American movie "An Unmarried Woman"."

Through A Glass Darkly
"The content of the movie was good, but it was difficult to appreciate the movie while reading the subtitles."

"Who knew that she was just released from a mental hospital? Why was she out in the wilderness with 3 men? What were they doing? Fishing? Vacationing? Did they live there? I know it is great, but it was beyond me."

All creatures great and small

2007-07-30T21:17:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, zoos freaked me out because the cages and the animals prompted an immediate flashback to the opening scenes of Dumbo, triggering Grade A meltdown. Ah, another family trip intended to be educational that all goes horribly awry.

The proposed activity for the weekend includes a trip to the SF Zoo. JNC says going to a zoo without kids seems weird. I don't generally combine my leisure activities with children because they tend to lag after the first few miles and they can't hold their liquor worth a damn. However, I'd still like to go to the zoo. I'd like to get the thoughts of my beloved blog readers on this topic.

Questions:

Zoos: a fun place that educates the public about wild animals and their habitats or a parade of animals being tortured?
Two adults going to the zoo alone. How likely are we to be mistaken for pedophiles or baby snatchers?
Is the format of this post too heavily influenced by the format of a bar exam essay or am I just drunk on $5 wine from Cost Plus (Pinot Evil,baby)? Please cite the relevant Rule of California Civil Procedure in your answer.

Quote for the day

2007-07-30T12:42:00.000-07:00

If the First Amendment means anything, it means that a state has no business telling a man, sitting alone in his house, what books he may read or what films he may watch.
-Thurgood Marshall

Goals for last weekend

2007-07-30T10:40:00.000-07:00

Get back on bike after a month of ass-growing. CHECK.
Try vegan carrot cupcake. CHECK
Revise opinion that vegan cupcakes taste nasty. CHECK and CHECK.
Drunkenly expound my world views to boss's 15 year-old. CHECK
On hammock, balance 6-mo old baby dancing on my bladder. CHECK
Sunburn boobies. CHECK
Fulfill JFJ's fantasy of riding our cruisers to favorite breakfast spot. CHECK
Sell chair. CHECK
Get rid of gnarly bbq. Uhhh... IN PROGRESS

Seriously, take my furniture.

2007-07-27T14:24:00.001-07:00

This is the furniture I'm putting on craigslist. I want $25 for the dresser and $40 for the chair, but if you come over to pick them up wearing nothing but a pink shower cap and sing "Feelings" on the balcony, then you can have them both for free.

Shiny new bikes!

2007-07-26T10:29:00.000-07:00

The Birthday Otter came early this year and brought me a shiny new pink bike!

With flowers!

Here is The Otter riding JFJ's new bike:

Five friends every woman needs

2007-07-25T18:02:00.000-07:00

by Michelle Buford
From Oprah.com

"Friends are the family we choose for ourselves," writer Edna Buchanan once said.

I consider the "family" I've gathered -- with five kinds of pals I count on for completely different things -- among the wisest choices I've made. If you can find even one who embodies any of the characteristics that follow, you can consider yourself fortunate.

The Uplifter: This woman's favorite word: yes. You could tell her you're trading your six-figure income for a career in offtrack betting, and she'd barely pause before yelping "Go for it!" Don't you need someone who looks past the love handles to notice the extraordinarily gorgeous you?

The Travel Buddy: When the hotel in St. Lucia is a bust, one characteristic becomes all-important: flexibility. This agreeable companion need not be the girl you traded pinkie swears with on the playground; it's enough that she's comfortable with quiet (between gabfests) and is a teensy bit mischievous (as in tequila after midnight).

The Truth Teller: Intent is what separates the constructive from the abusive. Once you've established that the hard news is spoken in love (not in jealousy or malice), you'd be smart to seek out this woman's perspective.

The Girl Who Just Wants to Have Fun: One Saturday a pal and I -- and yes, we're both over age 12 -- pored over every glitter lip gloss in a drugstore aisle for an entire 45 minutes. Forget the crisis download (for that, see the Uplifter); this partnership is about spontaneous good times.

The Unlikely Friend: "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive," Anaïs Nin wrote. My friends -- some twice my age, others half, some rich, others homeless, some black like me, others Korean, Mexican, Caucasian -- have added richness to my life that only variety can bring.

In the comments: Which friend are you? Which of your friends fit into these categories?

Because it puts the "boob" in "boob tube," that's why.

2007-07-25T12:56:00.000-07:00

I've been living a tv-free lifestyle since I last had a roommate in 2003. Not because I have any objections to tv, I love tv (especially The Girls Next Door) but because I'm too cheap to pay for cable if there's no one to split the bill with. Starting in September, I'll be splitting the cable bill again, and I'm wondering what's on these days.

What shows do you make an effort to see? Do you TiVo? Are there any shows you love SO much that you randomly decide to get tickets to a taping of that show, and the next week you and your roommate take 2 days off to drive 400+ miles to LA, arriving at 2am to find out your hotel is occupied by transients and hookers, find another hotel, get up the next day, go to the taping, and then drive 400+ miles home?

Is it wrong that these make me hungry?

2007-07-25T11:50:00.000-07:00

From Something is Fishy in Hollywood. You may need to click on the images to enlarge enough to get a really good idea of how much work went into these - the last ones in particular.

Favorite quotes

2007-07-24T15:45:00.000-07:00

"When the men at the counter weren't slipping quarters in her pocket they were bringing her things, souvenirs or friendship cards, once or twice a ring. Mama smiled, joked, slapped ass, and firmly passed back anything that looked like a down payment on something she didn't want to sell."

-Dorothy Allison, Bastard Out Of Carolina

OK, people, do your worst.

2007-07-24T14:36:00.000-07:00

I turned comments on, and now all the previous posts have a comments area. Interesting.